I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
