I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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