He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
