Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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