you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
