If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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