you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
