If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
