This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
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cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
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they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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