I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
