You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
