My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
