Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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