ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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