The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
