Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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