take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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