things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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