my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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