Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
