God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
