she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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