He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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