I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
