i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
