I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
