Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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