Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
