i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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