She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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