Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
