I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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