I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
