only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
