I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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