I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
