So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
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life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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