If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
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he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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