woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
