is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
