Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
