While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
