What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
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I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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