thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
