okay pat passed out under dana's car
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
