Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
