I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
