hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
