You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
