On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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