Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
