i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
