the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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