He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
