Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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